Confidence

I was told today two very odd things, well three, really, but the third one is not very important.  The first one was that I was acting weird lately, insecure about my choices in things, the second that sometimes it seems like I am distant, as if I was not inside my own body.  I was thinking GEE, let me think about that, really. 

I think my biggest problem is that I am very non-confrontational.  I try to do whatever it takes to keep conversations to a minimum at this point. 

The reasons the comments where odd to me is because, as an experiment I chose to stop censoring myself.  How different am I? Really? I chose to not practice the few social nuances I have learned to imitate, quit pretending I understand every context or laughing at jokes I did not understand.  I allowed myself to do what I like, being absorbed in my current interest. 

Apparently the difference was very major because my roommates now think that I am seriously brooding or letting things get to me and acting like a distant, insecure person. 

I was like . . . OK?  What?

Apparently I wasn’t “being myself”.  I could have argued, told them this is who and how I am and that I had chosen to stop playing NT, you know? It would not have worked.  I think accepting this well, may be better for me in the long run.  They are just not going to understand, point blank, period.  I tried talking to one of them about it, he just said that the problem had nothing to do with him and no comment.  He acted as if I had grown a pair of evil appendages and proposed to use them for world domination.  I can’t talk to a damn person about my autism.  I can’t seem to be understood when I am the way I am and when I try hard to act ok, well it doesn’t work out great, either.  Not as bad as letting go, but not great.

My Question is: Why are functional differences so damn important?  Why do people always assume that you intend to do careless and rude things?  Why do people think self-absorption is intentional disregard for others?   

My first Post

I do not know who will end up reading this stuff, or if anyone will.  It is OK by me if they do, otherwise why would I write it?  Being an aspie is like living in the same world everyone else does, but covered in cling wrap.  I do not know how else to describe it.  Some people live with it just fine, others don’t.  I am OK sometimes, sometimes it gets so bad, you know?  Like I have to break through a wall of bullet-proof glass just to get a crevice in which I can send messages through, or get a clear idea of what “people mean”. I have heard people say there is nothing wrong at all.  Laziness, nerdiness, lack of desire to be anything but self-centered.  I wish this was all true.  I wish I could say I was self-centered and selfish and that I offend people or do and say thoughtless things because I want to be hurtful or do not care enough to listen.  I wish one-sided conversations where a matter of me just liking hear myself talk.  I have questions and I do not want them to be taken as whines or complains.  They are mostly simple and I made this blog as an experiment.  I want to see the answers I get, I want to understand, you know?

So, here is my first question: Whats the deal of tones of voice?

I misunderstand them a lot.  My best friend, I have known for 7 years and I have lived with her this long.  And to this day I cannot tell if she is being inquisitive, acusatorial, mad or happy or sarcastic.  Sometimes she jokes around with me and I get it all wrong and get upset and then in turn she gets upset because I am exagerating, or acting as if I am being attacked.  Do I not know her enough by now?  To non aspies of the world, how do you deal with different tones of voice and from you aspies of the world . . . do you ever really get to know someone enough that you can just recognize their tone of voice?  Should I work harder?  Advice is very welcome!